An Internet Survival Guide

The Internet is a scary scary place. So, for anyone feeling bold enough to explore the darker corners of the world wide web, it is imperative to put together a handy dandy survival kit for those (inevitable) situations that will cause you to go "OH GOD WHY OH WHY DID I JUST CLICK THAT?"

Is this you? Well, with this guide, you will be able to combat the fearsome plane-and-bridge-eating-mega-shark-beasts that lurk in the dark corners of the Internet.

If you just follow these simple guidelines, you too can be this guy.

The first, and arguably most important, thing every junior adventurer should have is brain bleach. This will be your main weapon and countermeasure against any and all curveballs the Internet may throw at you. What is brain bleach, you ask? In short, it is your life support for the Internet's own variation of a semi speeding down the highway at 100mph straight at poor, defenseless you. Now, this can be different from person to person; think the totem from Inception. The most important thing about your chosen form of brain bleach is that it must immediately take your mind off of the offending picture, video or web page, and then preferably reduce your mind to a near non-functioning state. Think of it as a temporary cryogenic freezing for your brain. Another important quality is that it must be easy to access, and fast acting. This means no videos (or songs) with long, boring introductions. We want instant gratification here. This also means a shortcut on your desktop, or an easy to access folder. For those of you who are more cautious, I suggest setting an image as your desktop background, or as an always-open browser tab. Using real bleach is not advised.

The next few items to put in our handy dandy e-knapsack is not an item (virtual or otherwise), but good old fashioned wisdom. Do you all remember the saying, "you are what you eat"? Well, this applies to the Internet too, minus the eating part. Actually there's probably a more relevant saying about being influenced by the crowd you hang out with. Whatever. Anyway, this leads me to my next point: Internet forums, communities and image boards. Be careful of the sites you may think of joining. I've seen this tragedy happen too many times. You may start out like this:

But then you become something like this:

Please, please, please do not fall into that trap.

Also a warning on talking to people on the Internet in general. They are almost never who you think they are. If she says she's a fourteen year old girl, she's probably a forty year old man. So next time you see someone with the name ~~xxsailormoon<33333xx~~, do think twice about making fun of it, regardless of how silly or stupid you think it is. Always keep in mind that there is a possibility, no matter how slim, that he is actually the biker dude down the street who knows where you live and is not happy with your name calling. Not that I'm saying this from experience or anything.

Are you feeling more adventurous? Ready to journey away from the kiddy pool of well settled communities into the untamed wilderness? Do you feel like you can venture into the world of file sharing? Browse Google with safe search turned off? Learn exactly why everyone lieks mudkips? Well, then you may begin to encounter a rare species of Internet-dweller known as the troll. No one knows exactly how this rare species came to be, but it is known that they feed on lulz and anger. Therefore, although this is not scientifically corroborated, it can be deduced that by depriving them of these necessary materials will cause them to die a slow, agonizing death. Probably. Or maybe they can be like sea monkeys and exist in a state of suspended animation, but I digress. This guide is about surviving a troll's sudden ambush. While it is true that they normally reside in the darker corners of the Internet, there have been known occasions where they have assembled and mounted assaults on communities generally considered safe, and so I believe that every rookie explorer should be equipped with the necessary tools to survive one. And guess what? Although you may not have realized it, if you have been following this guide, you are already prepared! That's right folks, 99% of the time, lasting injuries from a successful troll can be prevented by a healthy dose of brain bleach.

Now, as you delve deeper into the dark crevasses of the vast sea of information, you may begin to encounter more and more things of a rather... unsavory nature. Things that may make you want to go:

If this happens to you, do not panic. The solution is to spread it to as many people as you know and laugh at their reactions to feel a little better about yourself. The solution is very simple. Use more brain bleach.

To close this guide, here are some miscellaneous tips:

• When the file says deliciouswomen.exe, it is never delicious women.
• I'm sorry, but you did not just win the lottery.
• That email from Mr. Ngobe Ngayaka? Well, he isn't a Nigerian Prince, and you will not get 30% of the vast fortune of a certain deceased CEO Mr. Thierry Cosban.

And remember kids, when in doubt, always keep in mind the friendly warning from those who have come before you: "Cannot unsee."