A Modest Proposal: For Ending the Overpopulation of Prisons and for Providing Another National Pastime for the American Public

Because I haven't posted anything in a while, and I found this lying around.

There are currently over two million prisoners held in federal, state or local jails. The growth rate of the population in the United States penal system is 16 times the growth rate of the overall population, with the current population being over four times the prison population in 1980. These criminals, in the dwindling number of open prison cells, are being released back onto the streets, creating a more dangerous environment for the innocent public.

In addition to the dangers that these criminals pose to the general population, one must also consider the mounting costs of housing them in our prisons. It currently costs roughly twenty thousand dollars a year to house a single inmate, and when combined with the fact that prison population growths have surpassed the growth of the whole population, the total prison cost will only go up in the future, becoming an even greater burden on taxpayers.

I have been told, by a very prominent historian, that the gladiator matches in the Roman coliseums were very popular attractions for the public in ancient times. Therefore, I propose, with our rising prison populations, that we reestablish this old tradition, in which the benefits will be two-fold; our prisons will be routinely emptied of old inmates to make room for the new that will inevitably arrive, and the American public will be able to find another national pastime.

There would be a weekly or monthly event, depending on the need, where the competitors would engage in head to head combat, either against each other, or possibly on special occasions against various deadly animals, in order to liven up the event. It would provide a regular event for families and friends to take part in, for the thrill of seeing them live or broadcasted to their televisions, where it would have a similar place in the heart of many Americans as football does currently.

This will succeed in its main objective of keeping prison costs and population down, as those who are defeated in the events will no longer occupy the prison cells, freeing them for new inmates. In addition, revenue generated from the events, which I foresee will be very popular among the general populace, can go toward supporting the prison system, a benefit that I believe no one will object to, as this will also partially relieve the burden the system has on taxpayers. Tickets to live games will become valuable commodities, as fans will swarm to the stadiums to witness the excitement firsthand. The prisoners themselves will welcome the games, as it will be an opportunity for them to redeem themselves in the eyes of the public in the event of their victory, being seen as a skilled athlete and sports star instead of as a dangerous criminal. It will also relieve the tedium of living in a jail cell, and the high energy and excitement of being in such an arena will provide an outlet for aggression among the prisoners.

There should be no major objections to my proposal, as it efficiently addresses the issue of prison overpopulation in two unique ways. I have seen no other alternatives that do not include either expanding our already large prison system, and subsequently increasing its cost and burden on taxpayers, or allowing more dangerous criminals to walk free, something that should not be allowed for the safety of the public. Some may venture to say that these games will not have the desired impact among the public, but I believe that they will be immensely popular, after all, the precedent has already been set by the developments of reality television and American football. It has been shown that the public enjoys watching others perform difficult and dangerous tasks, such as on Survivor, while football is also a very physical sport. This will merely be another step further in that direction.

In the prison systems today, many inmates languish in their cells, day after day, nothing to excite or stimulate them beyond a simple newspaper. Now imagine that he was to compete in an upcoming coliseum duel, the natural spirit of competitiveness will reawaken among the combatants, as each one trains to defeat the other. Those currently stuck in their cells will sign up for the opportunity to compete for the chance to become nationally recognized, and for the sheer thrill of participating in the events.

Thus, in light of the two million currently in prisons across the United States, an efficient solution to the issue of population is necessary as soon as possible, whether it be along the lines of my proposal or one that is equally effective in relieving the issue, though I doubt there can be another that addresses the issue in a more straightforward manner. I assure that I have no more to gain from this than any other member of the public. I am neither wealthy, nor have any connections to event organizers or television networks that will benefit from this new pastime.